RATING: 1/4
DIRECTED BY: Michael Bay
PRODUCED BY: Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Tom DeSanto,
Don Murphy, Ian Bryce
SCREENPLAY BY: Ehren Kruger
BASED ON: Hasbro’s Transformers™ action figures
STARRING: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Patrick Dempsey, Kevin Dunn, Julie White, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand
Gone is the fun spirit of the first Transformers
film! It has been substituted by flashy special effects that cannot hide the
fact that Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a noisy meaningless affair with
a soul more corroded than Ironhide’s (voiced by Jess Harnell) dead body.
It’s a film guilty of many faults but the
biggest cardinal sin that Transformers: Dark of the Moon commits
is that it takes itself too seriously. Hello?! Giant robotic aliens duking it
out using Chicago as its battleground for the fate of the Earth is anything but
serious!
Where to begin?
In its third time around, the Autobots have been
working with NEST led by Lieutenant Colonol William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) in
stopping conflicts around the world. On one particular mission, Autobot leader
Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) discovers an engine part from The Ark, a Cybertron spaceship that went
missing during the final days of the war that ravaged the planet. Further
investigation reveals that The Ark
had landed on the moon during the 1960s— and to covertly investigate this
event, President John F. Kennedy pushed to have the US put the first man on the
moon. Basically, everything history ever taught is nothing but a lie. When the
Autobots recover the Ark in the present, they discover an unconscious Sentinel
Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), former leader of the Autobots.
Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) — twice responsible
from saving Earth— is unable to find a job. He’s got a new girlfriend, too, a
babe by the name of Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Mikaela from the
previous two films is no longer in Sam’s life. Once again, he gets caught up in
the never-ending fight between Autobots and Decepticons, still led by a
now-scarred Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving) when the Decepticons start
killing people connected to the Russian and American space missions. To cut an unbearably
long story short, the Decepticons create a wormhole with the plan to transport
Earth through the Solar System to the remnants of Cybertron where they can use
all the planet’s resources and labour to rebuild their home. I hope they realized
that if they’re going to use human slaves, they’re going to have to provide a
lot of oxygen tanks. A big battle ensures in the city of Chicago and… well, I
think you can guess who wins.
There is nothing even remotely interesting to
keep the attention engaged in this film. The Autobots are no longer the fun
robots they were in Transformers; heck, the entire film isn’t as fun as the first Transformers.
The battles are even more of a mess and visually incoherent— it’s nearly
impossible to distinguish who is the Autobot and who is the Decepticon when
these two robots engage in combat. The actors, clearly meant to provide the
human aspect in a film dominated by the Transformers™, are better off being
props. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson shout out commands, shoot when needed and
once in a while engage in a joke with their team members— nothing more. Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley was clearly chosen to be as eye-candy replacement since
Megan Fox didn’t show up. Her absence is only noticeable by Rosie’s appearance
and a weird accent she uses— if you closed your eyes and listened to her lines
of dialogue which are mostly screams, you might not be able to tell the
difference. Patrick Dempsey plays a slippery villain. John Turtorro is even
more annoying than he was in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
(though I liked him in the first film). Frances McDormand and John Malkovich
are a woeful waste in their roles. As for Shia LeBeouf— his role as Sam
Witwicky seems to possibly be that of outdoing his girlfriend in shouting and screaming. I’m willing to bet that Starscream (voiced by Charlie Adler) was
personally hunting Sam down not because he thwarted the Decepticons twice but simply
because he never shuts up!
The only thing I found even mildly entertaining—
and I say ‘mildly’ because it is the tiniest consolation in this unforgivable
mess— was Leonard Nimoy as Sentinel Prime. He was a refreshing change as the
Autobot with ambivalent agendas and possibly was the only character even given
a little depth in his story arc; and of course, simply because Leonard Nimoy
seems to make it work. When he kills Ironhide, I wasn’t upset at the death of
an Autobot— I was more cheered by Sentinel Prime’s sudden and ruthless action.
Clearly, that part alone speaks volumes about what was wrong with this film.
An argument can be made that the second half of 2012’s The Avengers was basically nothing more than a rip-off of Transformers: Dark of the Moon’s final act. And I don’t disagree. They both had giant wormholes opening in the sky above major cities and aliens and humans fighting; the difference is that The Avengers did it with style, wit and a considerable amount of grace. Transformers: Dark of the Moon did not possess even one-fourth of any of that; which is a laugh because those three elements were clearly present in 2007’s Transformers.
