TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON - Film review

RATING: 1/4

DIRECTED BY: Michael Bay

PRODUCED BY: Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Tom DeSanto, Don Murphy, Ian Bryce

SCREENPLAY BY: Ehren Kruger

BASED ON: Hasbro’s Transformers™ action figures

STARRING: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Patrick Dempsey, Kevin Dunn, Julie White, Ken Jeong, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand

Gone is the fun spirit of the first Transformers film! It has been substituted by flashy special effects that cannot hide the fact that Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a noisy meaningless affair with a soul more corroded than Ironhide’s (voiced by Jess Harnell) dead body.

It’s a film guilty of many faults but the biggest cardinal sin that Transformers: Dark of the Moon commits is that it takes itself too seriously. Hello?! Giant robotic aliens duking it out using Chicago as its battleground for the fate of the Earth is anything but serious!

Where to begin?

In its third time around, the Autobots have been working with NEST led by Lieutenant Colonol William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) in stopping conflicts around the world. On one particular mission, Autobot leader Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) discovers an engine part from The Ark, a Cybertron spaceship that went missing during the final days of the war that ravaged the planet. Further investigation reveals that The Ark had landed on the moon during the 1960s— and to covertly investigate this event, President John F. Kennedy pushed to have the US put the first man on the moon. Basically, everything history ever taught is nothing but a lie. When the Autobots recover the Ark in the present, they discover an unconscious Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), former leader of the Autobots.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) — twice responsible from saving Earth— is unable to find a job. He’s got a new girlfriend, too, a babe by the name of Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Mikaela from the previous two films is no longer in Sam’s life. Once again, he gets caught up in the never-ending fight between Autobots and Decepticons, still led by a now-scarred Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving) when the Decepticons start killing people connected to the Russian and American space missions. To cut an unbearably long story short, the Decepticons create a wormhole with the plan to transport Earth through the Solar System to the remnants of Cybertron where they can use all the planet’s resources and labour to rebuild their home. I hope they realized that if they’re going to use human slaves, they’re going to have to provide a lot of oxygen tanks. A big battle ensures in the city of Chicago and… well, I think you can guess who wins.

There is nothing even remotely interesting to keep the attention engaged in this film. The Autobots are no longer the fun robots they were in Transformers; heck, the entire film isn’t as fun as the first Transformers. The battles are even more of a mess and visually incoherent— it’s nearly impossible to distinguish who is the Autobot and who is the Decepticon when these two robots engage in combat. The actors, clearly meant to provide the human aspect in a film dominated by the Transformers™, are better off being props. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson shout out commands, shoot when needed and once in a while engage in a joke with their team members— nothing more. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was clearly chosen to be as eye-candy replacement since Megan Fox didn’t show up. Her absence is only noticeable by Rosie’s appearance and a weird accent she uses— if you closed your eyes and listened to her lines of dialogue which are mostly screams, you might not be able to tell the difference. Patrick Dempsey plays a slippery villain. John Turtorro is even more annoying than he was in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (though I liked him in the first film). Frances McDormand and John Malkovich are a woeful waste in their roles. As for Shia LeBeouf— his role as Sam Witwicky seems to possibly be that of outdoing his girlfriend in shouting and screaming. I’m willing to bet that Starscream (voiced by Charlie Adler) was personally hunting Sam down not because he thwarted the Decepticons twice but simply because he never shuts up!

The only thing I found even mildly entertaining— and I say ‘mildly’ because it is the tiniest consolation in this unforgivable mess— was Leonard Nimoy as Sentinel Prime. He was a refreshing change as the Autobot with ambivalent agendas and possibly was the only character even given a little depth in his story arc; and of course, simply because Leonard Nimoy seems to make it work. When he kills Ironhide, I wasn’t upset at the death of an Autobot— I was more cheered by Sentinel Prime’s sudden and ruthless action. Clearly, that part alone speaks volumes about what was wrong with this film.

An argument can be made that the second half of 2012’s The Avengers was basically nothing more than a rip-off of Transformers: Dark of the Moon’s final act. And I don’t disagree. They both had giant wormholes opening in the sky above major cities and aliens and humans fighting; the difference is that The Avengers did it with style, wit and a considerable amount of grace. Transformers: Dark of the Moon did not possess even one-fourth of any of that; which is a laugh because those three elements were clearly present in 2007’s Transformers.